There’s one in every crowd. Sometimes, there are an entire barren of mules that no matter how much you drink, you can’t drown-out those jackasses. They do things as if they own the sports bar. Screaming at the big screen, stomping on the floor when they don’t like a call, yelling out play-by-plays on their iPhone and just generally being total fools.
They are the villains in the comic book series “Sports Bar Superheroes, Issue 6.”
Rules of the Game
Are you the jackass we’re talking about? Let’s go to the playbook and lay down some rules for keeping yourself from becoming a pucker-hole when you visit the shrine known as a sports bar.
• Rule 1: Jackassery effs things up.
Having your hair stylist shave your team’s logo on your head doesn’t demonstrate loyalty to the players. It merely means that you live in a classless cage. Same goes for painting your face. Save that for the stadium when there’s a good opportunity that a teevee camera will flash your dopey mug out to the planet. Keep your firearms at home – you’ll put your eye out. Obscenities. Bad. Kids could be there with their parents. Mom and pop are more likely to spill their drink in your general direction if they hear you using the biblical term for “fudge.”
• Rule 2: Celebrate with style.
Too many high-fives and chest bumps are for sissies. That’s not saying you can’t go slightly bat crap crazy when your team wins. But loud “hoo-ha’s” every minute or so is more likely to get you an elbow-bump in your belly by someone bigger than you who has had enough of your crap. And “raising the roof” is so 90’s.
• Rule 3: Never use ESPN as a source for quotes.
Here are a couple of the worst quotes from the network:
o “He tried to put on 25 pounds of muscle. It looks like 25 pounds of Molson.” — Pat Quinn, on hockey player Dan Gratton
o “You know the old saying, ‘no man is an island.’ Well, Stanley comes close.” — Pat Williams, on Magic center Stanley Roberts
Avoid anything that comes from the mouth of an ESPN commentator. Even stupid nicknames that originated before they plugged in their first camera – like “Charlie Hustle”, “The Great One” or “Sweetness. Never name a child Chris Berman.
• Rule 4: Only losers cheer alone.
Actually sitting in the stands, go ahead. Cheer all by your little lonesome. But in a sports bar… man, have you no pride?
• Rule 5: Jerseys – not the State, the apparel.
Why in god’s name would you ever wear a jersey with someone else’s name and number on it? Step-up to something more sophisticated. Get a team jersey. Nothing wrong with donning one of those. Wearing a Peyton Manning Colts jersey is funny and the jokes on you.
• Rule 6: The ref cannot hear you so stop loud-mouthing him.
Best practice: Set a limit on your jeers. Four times a game is enough. Try to direct it toward your buddies in a civil voice, too. That way you can determine who are really advocates and not an adversary. Big no-no: Too much bitching during the last two minutes of the game means you need to order a milk and lay-off the beer.
• Rule 7: Keep your fantasy team members out of the convo.
We don’t know them; they’re not at the sports bar with you and basically, who gives a rat’s arse about your funky dream world. Likewise, nobody is going to buy you a plate of wings because you just lost your BMW to your bookie.
• Rule 8: Eat, drink and be wary of overboardery.
At the sports bar, you are surrounded by folks who like what you like, no matter which team y’all are rooting for. Have a grilled rib eye plate, some ice cold beer and don’t turn into Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four comics. Even though DD saved Captain America from drowning. No Doom for you.